


Though this be madness, yet there is method in't

by Esperata



Series: Forever Returns [7]
Category: Batman (Movies 1989-1997)
Genre: Bribery, Deductions, Kidnapping, M/M, Probably Crack, Puzzles, Riddles, Theft, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23684653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: The Riddler is up to something and Batman is hot on his trail. Can he catch up in time to foil his scheme? And will he be forced to choose between that and rescuing Catwoman?
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Series: Forever Returns [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597003
Comments: 22
Kudos: 55





	Though this be madness, yet there is method in't

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know what happened here.

There had to be a method to this madness.

The spate of robberies had been going on all week and Batman had yet to figure out Riddler’s ultimate plan. He had no doubt about the culprit given the fact he had announced his spree in advance, as per usual, but he was still struggling to put all the pieces together into a coherent whole.

It had all started the previous Monday morning when a card had unexpectedly turned up on Commissioner Gordon’s desk in the GCPD. Despite having uninterrupted security footage both inside and outside the building, there was no sign of anyone going in to deliver the envelope. Yet there it was, unsubtly shaped like a bat to indicate its intended recipient. Gordon hadn’t touched it, other than to flip it over with a pencil, before getting it scanned for fingerprints or other forensic clues. It yielded nothing and he handed it over to Batman with a resigned shrug later on.

Initially when they’d opened it the card had appeared blank. That was only a momentary hindrance however as Batman swiftly switched on a UV light to reveal the message;

On the day of the ringed planet,  
At the time of the four rings,  
This classification of Bonaparte,  
Will be bound by the King himself.  
RSVP

The first two lines were easy enough to decipher. The most famous ringed planet being Saturn, and Saturday being Saturn’s day, gave the day in question. The time of four rings was 00:00, hence something happening midnight. Jim immediately suggested getting extra officers available for midnight on Saturday before Batman pointed out it would actually be midnight _Friday_ since officially that was the time the clock started for Saturday.

It was at this point Jim simply rubbed his head and told Batman to let him know when he figured the rest out.

Which Batman had been attempting to do. His initial thought about the classification of Bonaparte involved Bordeaux, but he wasn’t aware of anything significant in Gotham which would make wine a viable target. Bound by the King himself also had him puzzled. Which King? None were visiting that he knew of. So what other kings were there? Chess kings, sport kings, musicians, business moguls? He needed more information and it seemed that was what he was getting.

Although the first theft of the week had him grinding his teeth in irritation as the Regent’s Diamond, on loan to the Gotham museum, was stolen. In its place was left a rubik cube covered in differently coloured question marks, just so no-one was in any doubt as to the perpetrator. He should have considered the gem given its connection to Napoleon and the French regents. But how would that connect to the weekend’s plan?

After that though the robberies took a distinctly trivial turn and he might have overlooked them if it weren’t for the accompanying calling cards and the fore knowledge that they must be clues to something greater. If he could only figure out _what_.

The second theft tied in to the overall theme as well although it didn’t make anything clearer. Several suits had been stolen from a particularly exclusive gentleman’s tailor, with only green plastic question marks hung in their place. Suits naturally suggested playing cards which featured kings in each suit, one of which was diamonds, bringing him back to the first theft. So he had a king in a suit of diamonds. Did that indicate the Monarch playing card factory was a target? A monarch was a king as well so it made sense.

Except there was nothing much at the abandoned factory. Unless Riddler had set something up there. Batman took a swing by to check it out but found nothing untoward.

The third theft had him genuinely baffled. It was a cake. A very nice cake to be sure but nothing he would have expected to be targeted by the Riddler. He almost wondered if there was another prankster trying to get attention but the chances of any amateur trying to use Riddler’s MO seemed even more unlikely than that the deranged genius would for some reason steal a cake.

A brief discussion with Alfred gave him a handle on the possible connection however. The cake was apparently a standard fruit cake (although the baker had been insistent on the high quality of ingredients and the length of time it had been soaked) but it was covered with _Royal_ icing. The relevance again was strengthened by his recollection of Marie Antoinette’s purported quote of “let them eat cake”, which led to her execution, allowing the rise of Napoleon during the French Revolution.

Confident that he was gathering the needed pieces of this particular puzzle he focused on how they might fit together for the grand scheme previously announced. Kings, suits, cake… The idea suddenly struck him that they were all found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Recollecting a miniature attraction in the park filled with scenes from the book he promptly headed over to scan the area for signs of his riddle obsessed nemesis. Despite thoroughly checking the exhibit he found nothing unusual and concluded that, if it was the proposed site, Riddler wouldn’t be appearing there until the appointed time.

He almost missed the fourth robbery entirely. Where the first few had all been reported with claims for compensation, this was merely an amusing article in a tabloid’s sidebar. A florist had arrived to find a prominent window display bouquet gone, replaced with a bunch of question marks on sticks, interspersed with paper umbrellas for presumably decorative purposes. They’d actually sold the gifted decoration for more than the original had been priced for so they were happy.

Still, they were keen enough to answer Batman’s questions when he dropped into their shop later. It was no surprise to find the bouquet consisted of distinguished rose species such as would have been cultivated in the notable garden of Josephine Bonaparte. No surprise and somehow reaffirming. Roses too were an integral part of Lewis Carroll’s story and Batman felt ever more certain that whatever was to happen would occur in the themed park. He may still not know precisely what but he had the time and now the place so he could prepare himself accordingly.

Which is when fate decided to throw a spanner in the works.

Friday night had arrived and he’d made the decision to ask Catwoman for backup rather than the GCPD. With the police he’d have to direct them on sites to stake out which could turn out to be a waste of time. Added to which they weren’t subtle in their work. Catwoman was more versatile and capable of making spontaneous decisions if she felt it likely to prove worth it. He could ask her to monitor the Monarch Factory in case his first hypothesis proved correct.

Yet during the call there’d been the distinct sounds of glass smashing before her voice had been rudely interrupted and the line had gone dead. Cursing, Batman had swiftly checked the time and frowned. It was less than an hour until the appointed time for Riddler to make his final play. He couldn’t afford to leave Catwoman in peril but chances were good he’d then be delayed from the primary threat to the city.

Pulling out his radio, he resigned himself to including the police. At the very least they should keep Riddler occupied until he got there. Without bothering to fill Gordon in on his reasoning therefore he instructed him to have men head to the park exhibit and watch it. He was glad of their established trust as the man didn’t even quibble over the conclusion and simply agreed to have his men standing by.

Which gave Batman freedom to set off and find out what had happened to Selina. It wasn’t far to her apartment and he stopped there first to check she wasn’t lying injured. He found the window in pieces with all the fragments scattered on the floor inside. Glancing back from the window frame he considered that. Selina lived high up, in what should have been an inaccessible room. Crossing swiftly across however he was able to confirm the door was still locked on the inside and secure. Which left him to conclude she had indeed been abducted out of her own window.

Sighing at the prospect of dealing with a second crisis in one night, he drew out his remote tracker and punched in a unique code.

Many people would conclude he was overly paranoid but it was at times like this it really came in handy. And it had never hurt Selina to be injected with the tiny chip that let him locate her anywhere. Certainly it would save him a lot of fruitless searching and hopefully still allow him to reach Riddler before he did anything too drastic.

He kept his eyes mostly fixed on the little radar screen as he swung away back over the rooftops. The signal was leading him into a gaudy neighbourhood filled with cheap motels, late night cafes and tacky casinos. The sheer volume of bright neon lights made him uncomfortable but he kept on the trail, following the twists and turns until he could isolate the signal as coming from a particular car up ahead. Putting the unnecessary box away he then fixated on the vehicle.

Whoever it was hadn’t chosen it for subtlety. It was a stretch limo in a distinctive black and white colour scheme. A brisk check on the registration showed it was a rental, hired out for the evening by a mister Deos. Which didn’t give him any further information on who he was dealing with so he decided to use the direct method and hopefully speed this up.

With perfect timing therefore he dropped down so as to land through the open sunroof.

“Finally! I thought you weren’t going to make it.”

Batman’s gaze immediately fixated on Riddler, who was unmissable in his suit jacket covered in lit question marks flickering on and off, and it was a couple of seconds before he registered the car’s other occupants. Sat alongside the garish rogue was the equally unmistakeable figure of the Penguin, although Batman noticed that he wasn’t wearing his usual vintage attire. In fact he was dressed in a pristine white suit and top hat that matched those recently reported stolen.

Setting that issue aside temporarily though, Batman turned to the final figure lounging nearby him, glass of champagne in hand and seemingly perfectly relaxed. His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Catwoman? How are you involved in this?”

“I was invited,” she replied easily. “Same as you.”

The reminder of the bigger scheme in play returned his attention to the instigator of it all.

“Riddler. What is this about?”

He had expected him to relish the opportunity to proclaim his grand plan. He had not expected the somewhat dumbfounded look.

“Don't tell me you didn't solve my riddle? I wasn't even trying to be enigmatic!”

“I told you we should have just done a standard invite,” Penguin interjected. “Even your simplest riddles are clearly too much for his primitive mind.”

As Riddler pouted in obvious annoyance at having his intelligence going to waste, Selina leant forward with clear suspicion.

“If you didn’t solve the riddle, how did you find us?”

Batman hesitated over what reply he could safely give and was thankfully given a reprieve as the car turned a corner and slowed.

“We’re here!” Riddler announced excitedly, previous upset forgotten as he turned to grin at Penguin. “Are you ready honey bun?”

“Ready and raring to go,” Penguin answered with a salacious grin of his own.

“Where-” Batman began to ask only to be silenced by a thump on the arm from Selina. He shot her a scandalised look but was quickly distracted as the window by the villainous duo wound down to reveal… what looked very much like an ordinary drive thru.

“Welcome to the Burning Love Drive thru chapel where you can get your dreams fast tracked. What’ll it be?”

“Ah, we’re having the ceremony with complimentary photo and side order of Elvis.”

“Right.” There was a pause as they obviously checked the information against their screen. “Any cake with that?”

“No. We have our own at home.” He glanced seductively to Penguin again. “I’m very much looking forward to feeding it to you sweetheart.” A hand ran pointedly over the large stomach of his partner and Oswald grinned ferally in response. Their attendant clearly wasn’t phased by such antics.

“That’ll be $150. You got your marriage licence?”

Riddler promptly shifted about to extract both items from his jacket and handed them over.

“Thank you. Now if you’ll drive along to the next window the minister will be with you shortly.”

As the car started forward again it was hard to say whether it was the motion or excitement causing Edward to vibrate. Either way, Batman took advantage of the momentary lull to attempt to clarify the situation.

“This is-”

He got no further before Riddler let out a panicked gasp.

“Your flowers! Os! Where are your flowers? We can’t-”

A sigh from opposite precipitated Selina rolling her eyes as she grabbed the bouquet from beside her and passed it up.

“It’s right here.”

Penguin accepted it from her quietly and fidgeted about to settle comfortably again, vivid red bouquet now glittering like blood against the pure background of his suit. As Ed stared at him, his eyes glittered too as they welled up.

“I can’t believe… how beautiful you are… how lucky I am…”

“Hush now.” One disfigured hand reached out to cup his cheek. “Don’t ruin your make up before the photos.”

He nodded clumsily, hand pressed over Oswald’s and lips tight as he reined in his emotions. Then a motion drew everyone’s attention back to the window as their minister appeared. They wasted no time in getting started even while the happy couple were resituating themselves for the event.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Oswald and Edward in matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Nobody glanced his way but Batman instinctively opened his mouth to protest. For one thing, they were both wanted criminals. For another he doubted their licence was legitimately obtained. Even the funding for this venture was likely stolen. He didn’t know why they were doing this yet but his gut told him to be suspicious.

However before he could vocalise any of that, Selina kicked him hard enough that he could feel it even through his body armour and he promptly held his tongue, trusting she knew something he didn’t. Meanwhile, their officiant was blithely continuing. 

“Oswald, do you take Edward to be your lawful wedded husband?”

The Penguin sat up straighter as he answered proudly, “I do.”

“Edward, do you take Oswald to be your lawful wedded husband?"

There was a brief breath as he merely managed to nod vigorously before practically gasping his own, “I do.”

“Do you both promise to love and cherish each other, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him, for so long as you both shall live?”

Once again Oswald managed to reply “we do” while Edward only nodded emphatically but it was seemingly sufficient to go on.

“Do you together promise in the presence of your friends and family that you will at all times and in all circumstances, conduct yourselves toward one another as becomes husbands?”

This time Ed managed to respond with Oswald as they said “we do.”

“Do you together promise you will love, cherish and respect one another throughout the years?”

The final “we do” triggered something in Riddler and he promptly leant in to kiss Oswald firmly. The minister chuckled at the action and interrupted with a tone of some amusement.

“We haven’t reached that part yet.”

Ed pulled away but kept their foreheads pressed together.

“Do you have rings to exchange?” he asked, clearly sticking to his script.

The prompt brought Selina shimmying up to pass over a ring box and the pair settled back for the next part.

“I do,” Oswald confirmed, removing the intricate piece ready to place on Edward’s hand.

“Repeat after me then; "I, Oswald, give you, Edward this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you."

As he slid the ring onto the Riddler’s ring finger he diligently repeated the vow. Batman couldn’t help but notice the ring was a traditional puzzle ring and rolled his eyes. The moment grew tense suddenly however as the minister paused to ask, “Is it only the one ring?”

Edward clutched Oswald’s hands firmly in his, subconsciously hiding their syndactyly nature even as he briskly confirmed, “yes.”

Everyone let out an inaudible sigh of relief as the statement was accepted unhesitatingly and the ceremony finally concluded.

"Then by the power vested in me by the state of Gotham, I now pronounce you married. And _now_ you may kiss.”

Selina let out a whoop as the pair dove into what Batman felt was an excessively enthusiastic kiss and he wondered again at what all this performance was about. The minister apparently also felt the need to intervene.

“Guys? Time to pose for your photograph.”

They breathlessly broke apart and then rearranged themselves to pose for the memento. Seemingly this meant Edward being hauled onto Oswald’s lap where they could wrap arms about each other and press their cheeks together. Both wore wide smiles and Selina nipped in quickly to ensure Oswald’s hat was correctly placed and to shove the forgotten flowers back into their clutches.

The camera snapped and the minister smiled happily back at them.

“Wonderful. Now if you’ll drive round again, you can listen to Elvis while we print it out and sign your license.”

Ed nearly toppled from his perch as the car set off again but Oswald clutched him tightly. Batman finally found his moment to interrogate the pair.

“On the day of the ringed planet, at the time of the four rings, this classification of Bonaparte, will be bound by the King himself,” he recited quickly, drawing Riddler’s attention reluctantly onto him. “The day is Saturday. The time was zero hundred hours.”

A waved hand indicated Ed was in no mood to listen to him spell his deciphering of the riddle out.

“Yes, I know I made it easy. Penguin, classification of Bonaparte, bound as in marriage.” His face lit up suddenly as he caught sight of the entertainer awaiting as they drew to a stop again. “And here’s the King himself!”

The Elvis impersonator stepped up to the window with a trademark smile.

“Congratulations to the happy couple,” he said with a very passable imitation drawl. “And my, don’t you just look beautiful together.”

If he weren’t currently in his guise of Batman, Bruce would have applauded and offered to hire the man for his next event on the spot. He had pulled off that compliment without any flicker of hesitation, even when faced with the less than stereotypical couple before him.

It clearly delighted Riddler who wriggled around to stare adoringly at the man holding him in his arms.

“Aren’t I just the luckiest?” he gushed.

The sentiment provoked a good-natured chuckle from the man.

“Well here’s a little song, just for you.” He strummed his guitar softly, and mostly for show as speakers were playing the tune in the background, and began to croon. “Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete and I love you so. Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled. For my darling I love you and I always will.”

At first glance the couple seemed blissfully lost in each others’ eyes, swaying slightly to the song’s rhythm. Then Batman noted the position of their hands had shifted, thankfully nowhere explicit yet but obviously with future ambitions that way. He reaffixed his gaze on Selina who had got herself more champagne and was taking in everything with an amused expression.

The song wound up and he glanced back to the criminal duo who were definitely looking more flushed than reasonable. They hadn’t completely forgotten themselves however and Penguin shifted Ed so he could lean towards the window and accept the wedding photo.

“Have yourselves a nice night now.” The Elvis lookalike offered a wink and then retreated ready to prepare for his next gig. Riddler giggled from where he was pressed against Penguin’s chest, arms looping about his neck and chin bumping his top hat off. He attempted to squash himself closer as the car moved off again and Oswald readily pulled him snugly against him.

Batman coughed significantly.

“I think it’s time to call an end to this charade.”

“For once I quite agree,” Penguin muttered, albeit with eyes focused entirely on Riddler. “Catwoman?”

The car pulled to a stop and she obligingly opened the door and stepped out, looking back to Batman with an expectant look. He sat stubbornly refusing to move until his peripheral vision caught sight of two pairs of hands moving determinedly into areas he had no wish to see explored. Thankfully Selina gave him a viable excuse to vacate the car without admitting to his prudish panic.

“If you want to know what happened to the diamond I suggest you come with me.”

He got out of the car soon enough to spare his eye but the door didn’t shut fast enough to save his ears.

“My husband,” Riddler murmured before gasping softly as Penguin muttered, “mine,” in response.

The following moan was pornographic all on its own. He kept his eyes on Selina and deliberately didn’t contemplate whatever the pair might be getting up to now. The diamond was his priority, no matter what games Riddler had been leading him on, and obviously Catwoman was the one with the lead on that.

As the car pulled away he attempted his most intimidating look on the woman still enjoying her champagne.

“Where’s the diamond?”

“Safe.” She shrugged unconcernedly. “It was my price for acting as Best Woman and keeping you on best behaviour.”

“What scheme are they _really_ up to?” he pressed, even while mentally cataloguing the likeliest hiding places for the precious gem.

She gave him a disbelieving slow blink.

“Is it really so hard for you to accept they just wanted to get married?”

The concept gave him pause. He’d been so focused on unravelling the anticipated criminal plan that he hadn’t actually considered that prospect at all.

“I know they’re… criminal partners with benefits-” he began, only to be interrupted by a laugh.

“Oh, that is priceless,” she giggled. “You really, truly thought they were simply frequent sex partners?”

The derisive tone irritated him and he fought the urge to cross his arms in a petulant huff.

“They made no secret of being frequent sex partners,” he challenged back. “One reason I advised Robin to work in Blüdhaven for a while was the sheer embarrassment of having to explain some of their crime scenes signature imprints.”

Her look had turned fond although his remark did cause her to smirk a little before shaking her head.

“I’m not denying that they’re horny on the main,” she conceded. “But they do truly care about each other as well. You should bear it in mind if you ever wind up hurting one of them. There’ll be hell to pay from the other.”

He took a moment to digest the advice. Also, he finally concluded the diamond must still be about her person if his assumption that they’d kidnapped and bribed her in the one fell swoop was correct. Selina however had her own accusation to resurrect.

“You never did say how you found us, if you truly were still mystified by Riddler’s invite. I’m left to conclude it was our interrupted phone call that got you moving and therefore something you were able to track from my apartment. Are you rigged to detect my perfume? Or strong amounts of cat dander?”

He considered his reply carefully before admitting anything.

“You’re injected with a microchip that lets me track you when necessary.”

Her eyes widened before she let out a visceral growl and took a swing at him.

“What kind of person _does_ that? Bloody chips someone without their consent like a common pet! I am not-”

As she railed though he caught her wrists, twisted her about and deftly removed the jewel from the discrete pocket she’d been concealing from him. She stepped back hastily and glowered.

“I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

With that parting remark she gracefully leapt up and landed perfectly on the roof of a passing car, briskly carrying her away from the Dark Knight. He watched with more than a pang of regret. Briefly he imagined a different life, one where he and Selina were the ones enjoying a luxury limousine and getting married. It seemed that particular fairy-tale ending wasn’t for vigilantes though. He would have to be content with restoring at least part of the stolen goods to their rightful owner. The rest he was prepared to forego and call a wedding gift.

Letting them have their honeymoon was simply to spare his own sensibilities. He had no wish to interrupt _that_. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would track them down and bring them to justice. For tonight let them enjoy wedded bliss. If they truly had found love together then it was a rare and precious thing and not even the Batman was without a heart.

**Author's Note:**

> On a scale of 1 to 10, I am √121 likely to write a honeymoon sequel.


End file.
